Category Archives: Life in Arizona

The Jiffy Queen

The Jiffy Queen

I don’t much like to wash cars. It’s one of the reasons I decided to leave Minnesota, my home of nearly forty years, and move to Arizona. I figured that in the desert Southwest, it never snows, and rains but once or twice a year, so I’d hardly ever have to wash a car again. So one day I quit my job, sold the house, took the kids out of school, packed up all our shit, and told my wife …Read the Rest

The Shopping List

The Shopping List

The Nordic Warrior Queen asked me to take her shopping the other day. “I just need a few things,” she said. It wasn’t until we were in the car and safely on our way to Wal-Mart that she showed me her list. Crap. It’s nearing Christmas, of course, so in addition to all the usual weekly items, there were all the gifts and holiday supplies we forgot to buy. I don’t understand it. This woman prides herself on having all of …Read the Rest

The Whirlpool

I’m good with machines. Short of a nuclear reactor or an F-16 fighter jet, I’ll tackle most anything electromechanical. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it, especially when it comes to ordinary machines like those found around the house. Garbage disposals, table saws, garage door openers, carpet shampooers, power sprayers, lawn mowers, leaf blowers, I’m master of them all. And yet, aside from chasing the dog with the vacuum cleaner, I don’t get much joy out of everyday …Read the Rest

The Brussels Sprouts Affair

The Brussels Sprouts Affair

You should know by now that I’m not a big vegetable fan. Sure, I’ll eat cauliflower if there’s some Ranch Dip nearby, or celery if it’s spread with enough cream cheese. And carrots are okay if you sauté them first with brown sugar and butter. Barely. But that’s about the extent of it. This occasionally causes some problems. For example, the Nordic Warrior Queen has this weird “Rule of Threes,” meaning every meal must contain three food groups – one …Read the Rest

Oh, My Aching Head

Oh, My Aching Head

  The alarm clock said 1:13 AM and my head was aching. It might have been one too many beers sitting by the campfire last night, or too much Thanksgiving turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes. Either way, I needed some Advil. Considerate husband that I am, I left the room dark, somehow managing to avoid stubbing my toe as I worked my way over to the closet where we keep the basket of cold and flu medication. You know what I’m talking about, the …Read the Rest

Everyone Loves a Parade

Everyone Loves a Parade

I hate parades. All that happy singing and dancing, the decorated floats, endless chorus lines kicking their legs up in the air and noisy marching bands going boom boom boom, cheering crowds and homemade ‘Hi Mom!’ signs. It’s enough to drive one to the liquor cabinet before noon. Some might argue there’s something wrong with me: who wouldn’t like all this cheerful stuff? Certainly the Nordic Warrior Queen thinks I should. She has her traditions. Every holiday like clockwork, on come the …Read the Rest

Fuzzy Sweaters

Fuzzy Sweaters

It’s damn cold here in Arizona. Today we topped out somewhere in the high-sixties and I actually had to wear a jacket while riding my motorcycle. And the Nordic Warrior Queen found it necessary to dress her little dog in a fuzzy sweater. Of course, it’s nothing compared to where I used to live. In Minnesota, she’d not only have to dress the mutt in a miniature doggy parka, but would also have to tie a string to the dog’s leg …Read the Rest

Happy Birthday, Nordic Warrior Queen

Happy Birthday, Nordic Warrior Queen

When she turned sixteen, only a few weeks into our relationship, I bought her a pair of black gerbils as a birthday gift. Looking back thirty-two years, I’m wondering now why I did that. Perhaps it was because, as a young boy, I had always enjoyed small rodents and of course she should enjoy them too. Or perhaps it was because I had a Bullsnake at home, and since snakes eat rodents, if things didn’t work out with the gerbils…well, …Read the Rest

The Breakfast Food Situation

The Breakfast Food Situation

I’m all for eating well. You wouldn’t know it by looking at me, but I really do try to eat healthy food. Salads and such. Well, at least I think about it. The exception to this is breakfast cereal. I don’t eat breakfast very often anyway, so when I have a bowl of cereal, I want it to be something ridiculously bad, not any of that healthy crap like Fruit and Fiber, Shredded Mini-Wheats, or Fiber One, stuff more suitable …Read the Rest

Fear, Fire, Foes

Fear, Fire, Foes

Our house caught fire last night. Well, not really, but it thought it did. Somewhere around 4:00 AM, the electronic brain that controls the home’s fire alert system had a mild stroke. Sensing distress, the detector neuron assigned to my son’s bedroom fired off a warning to the rest of the brain, and the whole thing went nuts. Every stinking smoke detector in the house went off at the same time – all seven of them. Of course, we didn’t …Read the Rest

Page 7 of 11« First...«56789»...Last »

Switch to our mobile site