Category Archives: Life in Arizona

Dumb Asses

Arizonans are an adventurous lot come monsoon season. For some reason, they seem to forget some basic laws of physics and insist on driving on through that flooded wash. After all, it’s just a little water, right? It can’t really be that deep. Which is why our loyal public servants created the Stupid Motorist Law, hoping that by fining the shit out of those reckless souls it might keep them out of the running water, as if losing one’s vehicle isn’t enough punishment. Certainly it wasn’t …Read the Rest

Kiss a Frog

While visiting a friend’s house last night, I opened the front door to find this guy waiting for me on the step. He’s a Sonoran Desert Toad. Every monsoon season in Arizona they come out of the washes by the hundreds. They scream like women, hop about the yard, and have toad sex right in front of everyone. They eat mice and bugs and sometimes each other. It’s magical. But the coolest part is that they are hallucinogenic. If you …Read the Rest

The Other Woman

The Nordic Warrior Queen and I had a big argument this weekend. It was over another woman. We were on our way to Phoenix for a nice dinner and a night at a hotel, far away from our young roommates, barking dogs, squawking birds, and household chores. We were both looking forward to a romantic getaway. And then it started. We used to live in Phoenix, but a lot’s changed since then, so I’d programmed my GPS for directions. I still insist that I knew where I was …Read the Rest

Arizona Weather

We have a new weather guy down here. The last one died of boredom. Think about it: reading the same forecast day after day after day. On really challenging weather days, the temperature might jump two whole degrees, or a couple of clouds move in and threaten a little rain.  This new guy is from northern Iowa. My wife likes him, but I think he’s kind of queer. He talks funny too, but maybe that’s just me. At least he knows a good tornado or snowstorm when he sees one. But I …Read the Rest

The Taco Bell Experience

I was late coming home last night. Since “she” was still pissed at me about the Rubbermaid comments, I figured I’d better stop for something to eat, as there surely wouldn’t be any home-cooked meals waiting for me. I thought about Burger King but was afraid I might see the creepy guy in the King outfit, and McDonald’s has clowns. So that left Taco Bell. I pulled up to the drive-thru microphone kiosk thing. I don’t like talking to machines, and …Read the Rest

Dear Amy

You are a bad girl. Your mother is ashamed of you. Out here in the Wild West, Sheriff Joe would put you in pink PJs and hang you from a tall tree by a short rope (thanks for the metaphor, Jake), or tie you down over an ant hill and pour honey on your naked body. When I placed an ad on the Tucson Craigslist for a desk and chair, I assumed the world would play square with me. I was wrong. This douchebag Amy Vocu lied …Read the Rest

The Deadliest Catch

Not sure what’s going on here. My wife’s been watching The Deadliest Catch all weekend long. I think she’s got the hots for one of the fishing boat captains, but I’m not sure which one. Hopefully it’s not the guy who just stroked out from smoking four packs of cigarettes a day, but it might be – she’s always had a soft spot for hard-luck cases. Anyway, I blame the Catsittter. He’s the one that got her started on this stupid show …Read the Rest

The World’s Biggest Doobie

Jake and I rolled a fat one on Saturday. We had a hell of a time getting it lit, but once it got going it lasted the whole weekend.

Beep…Beep…Beep

It was the little dog’s fault. If the mutt hadn’t excitement pee’d on the carpet when I came home from Mexico, my wife wouldn’t have insisted that we place the dog gate in the entrance to the master bathroom to contain the little shit in a tiled area, and the accident would never have happened. But as it was, sometime around two o’clock this morning I heard a thump, scream, and a thud. I jumped out of bed to find the Nordic Warrior Queen lying on the …Read the Rest

Rules of the Roll

My wife and I had a blow up, knock down, drag out fight the other day, during which the Nordic Warrior Queen brought up every failing and shortcoming of the male half of the species, which I had just recently exemplified with my rude behavior. Why did she do this, you ask? Well, it wasn’t my neglect of the garbage can, or my poor choice of TV program, nor did I kick the dog or yell at one of the …Read the Rest

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