Wolf Blitzer and the Airport Riot

Worried now about her two dogs home alone, she stood her ground. “What the hell am I supposed to do, Kyle? I’ll have to ask that mean Mr. Radcliff to come watch them. He always expects me to give him sex in return. Damn that flight crew anyway.”

“Did you hear that, Kyle?” I said. “She’ll have to give the man sex, all because your pilots overslept.”

Angry Birds, recently returned from the pretzel store, offered an unexpected show of support. “You tell him, Kip.” A small runner of marinara stained his fat chin.

The female Chinese soccer players crowded around. Men in business suits put down their iPhones to listen in.

Chuck the TSA agent, concerned over the rising tensions, asserted his authority. “All of you people get back in line, please. We have the situation under control.”

Angry Birds took up the cause. “Don’t make her have sex with Mr. Radcliff, Kyle.” The marinara looked like blood.

The Chinese soccer team joined in. “No sex with Ladcriff,” they cried. Their government-sponsored performance enhancing drugs were getting the best of them. “No sex, no sex!”

The businessmen roared laughter. “No sex, no sex,” they chanted.

Chuck raised his hands high in the air. “PLEASE, everyone remain calm…” he cried, but it was too late. Plastic wrapped sandwiches flew like hand grenades. A rain of u-shaped neck pillows filled the air. The Chinese soccer team arranged themselves in a 4-4-2 offensive position and moved on Kyle and Chuck, the elderly woman leading the charge.

The hapless duo was no match for the enraged women. Soccer balls soared while cries of “Mean Mr. Ladcriff” and “NO SEX!” echoed through the terminal. Kyle and Chuck went down under the onslaught, their only defense a hastily flung pile of yellow baggage tags and blank boarding tickets.

Within moments, a group of overweight TSA agents appeared like a poorly organized Smurf army. They ran to the gate in a blue storm, overpowering the Chinese nationals with their flabby bulk.

A CNN camera crew arrived just as the zip-tied communists were led off to a holding area. The elderly woman was handcuffed and carried away. “Mopsy, Flopsy,” she sobbed. Kyle and Chuck followed behind, anxious to give a statement.

There was a tap on my shoulder. “Can you give us your input as to what happened here, sir?” Holy cow, it was Wolf Blitzer.

We shook hands and I introduced myself to the veteran reporter. “Can I call you Wolf?” I said. His beard was even more impressive in person.

“Absolutely, Mr. Kip. Please continue.”

“Well, it’s like this, Wolf. After hearing the news about the unavoidable delay of our aircraft, I was standing in line, trying to calm my fellow passengers. Suddenly this elderly woman started talking about sex. ‘I don’t want to have sex,’ she kept saying. Pretty soon the Chinese soccer team chimed in. ‘NO SEX,’ they cried, and then they attacked the poor gate agent. I tried to tell them it wasn’t his fault but they wouldn’t listen. It was all pretty scary.”

Wolf Blitzer was very sympathetic. “Sounds awful,” he said, nodding sagely.

I was getting ready to tell Wolf about Angry Birds when a new gate agent arrived, leading the flight crew. “Ladies and gentlemen,” she said. “We’re sorry for the delay, and we’ll begin boarding immediately.”

Wolf thanked me for the interview and handed me his business card. “Give me a call if you’re ever in town, Mr. Kip,” he said with a smile. “I’d love to buy you a beer.”

“Sounds great, Wolf,” I said, and headed for the gate.

Within minutes, we were on the plane, taxiing for home. Sadly, the Chinese soccer team and the elderly woman missed the flight. I hoped her dogs would be okay, and that Mr. Radcliff would take care of them for her. I thought about the Chinese soccer team, and wondered if they would be deported. The good news was there were plenty of open seats on the plane. I spread out my stuff, leaned back, and closed my eyes for a nap. As it turned out, Chicago O’Hare isn’t such a bad airport after all.

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1 comment on this post.
  1. mom:

    Loved It.

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