Driving through downtown Ottawa, Kansas this week, I got stuck behind a black Ford Fusion with a license plate that read OLDLUVR. At every stoplight, this impatient love machine scooted through the red exactly three seconds before his turn. Perhaps he was rushing home to a hot grandmother, blue pills at the ready. I was in no hurry, but his actions irritated me somehow. Why should he break the law and go unpunished, while I continue to pay my taxes …Read the Rest
After the Dancing with the Stars affair, I had to change restaurants. No more sports bars for me. Those Texas baseball fans are crazy. There’s a Coco’s close to the hotel where I was staying, but they don’t serve beer. So I went to Chili’s instead. It’s a little farther, but the Nordic Warrior Queen says I can afford to lose a few pounds, and I decided to walk. It was a beautiful evening for Texas: 100 degrees and 90 …Read the Rest
Ever since the Nordic Warrior Queen and I started dance lessons, a terrible feeling has come over me. Don’t get me wrong. I thoroughly enjoy doing the two-step with my wife. But I’ve begun to have thoughts no man should have to admit. I can’t stop watching Dancing with the Stars Poor Dorothy Hamill. Brave Zendaya. The titanic efforts of Wynonna Judd. I’m not proud of my obsession. I admit, however, that while out of town on business recently, eating …Read the Rest
My grandson Logan and I were sitting on the couch watching Terminator when the kid turned to me. “You know something, Papa?” he said. “Linda Hamilton is hot.” I looked down at his chubby face, the splotch of crusted breast milk on his t-shirt. “Dude, you’re six months old. How would you even know?” A thin runner of drool trickled down his chin. “I especially like the part where she says, ‘Watch it for me, big buns.’” I tried to …Read the Rest
Sam Champion’s been making a big hoopla lately over the comet PANSTARRS, Earth’s most recent once-in-a-lifetime interstellar visitor. Every morning he explains the details of the comet’s appearance, going on about perihelion and secular light curves, terms as foreign to me as Sam’s gassy traveler from the Oort Cloud. It’s all over my head, but still it’s exciting to hear Sam Champion say words like magnitude and astronomical units, especially this early in the morning. “It’s been in the southern …Read the Rest
Some women are afraid their man thinks about others. That he’ll break his promise and leave someday. They wonder, does he even want to be with me? Please believe me when I say, that’s not you. Some women worry he might get drunk and hit her. Avoid or ignore her, or simply not care. They want to trust him, but are unable. Darling, just know this: I’ll cherish you, and honor our love. You’re my everything, and that will never be …Read the Rest
One of the drudgeries of business travel is renting the car. You’ve just flown halfway across the country, jammed into an airplane filled with crying babies, farting fat guys, and Sudoku-playing armrest grabbers. At the end of this odyssey, when you’d like nothing more than to crawl into a dark corner somewhere and suck your thumb, comes the car rental. Your employer would put you on a skateboard if he could save a couple bucks. As it is, you’re lucky if corporate …Read the Rest
28 years ago, a baby girl was born. It was a Wednesday. The space shuttle Atlantis would roll out of the Rockwell assembly plant in Palmdale that day, and Mike Tyson would KO Hector Mercedes in his first professional. No ears were damaged. Minimum wage was $3.35, gas was $1.20 a gallon, and the Dow Jones industrial average was hanging around 1300. Bill Gates was still putting the final code tweaks on Windows 1.0. Madonna was like a virgin, Huey …Read the Rest
The Sister Wives went to the movie theater this afternoon. The Crazy Cat Lady said she’d pay (turned out she had free tickets) and the Nordic Warrior Queen wanted to see Silver Linings Playbook. Ever since Hangover, she’s had a thing for Bradley Cooper. I took a rain check. I’m more of an action movie kind of guy. But to show that I wasn’t sore at being left home alone on a Saturday, I decided to surprise them with a …Read the Rest
The Sister Wife bought two pet birds last week. They’re zebra finches, one of the most worthless creature in the animal kingdom. You’d need a hundred of them for a sandwich. She named them Ted and Alice. “Why not Bob and Carol?” I said. “Those are stupid names,” replied the Sister Wife. She said the Übercat needed something to keep it entertained during the day, while the Sister Wife’s away at work. As if sleeping and licking its ass all day isn’t enough. …Read the Rest